searching the extrodinary in something ordinary

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Happy birthday to me. Thank you everyone for wishing me and remembering my birthday. And i am officially 24 now. Yippee!!!! I did have a good time today with close friends and i really appreciate everyone making the effort to turn up. I wish it would have lasted longer but i understand the circumstances. And also I absolutely understand if you couldn't make it ( you know who you are *wink* *wink* ke ke ke), its part of the adult life, commitments and responsibilities. So more about the dinner thing in the next post. Now i just want to emo abit.

So turning 24, I think this is the turning point where birthdays are something dreaded instead of anticipated. I am sure everyone had waited eagerly to turn 17 to get their drivers license and then 18 to be legal in someways and last but not least 21 to be legally an adult though mostly just in law. 21 seems like such a magical number back then. Of hopes of freedom, perhaps as far as imagining ourselves to own our own place, own car and not having so much to depend on our parents. Having our own life do what we want to do. Then 21 came and gone. And the reality is nothing much that was hoped for or imagined seemed to have realized. and 21 rolled into 22 and then 23. And then the numbers suddenly seemed to be turning so big it threatens to avalanche. What has happened to the years and all the wide eyed wonder of living it out. I feel like i am stuck in between two very different worlds. At one hand i am not the matured, well composed sophisticated 24 yr old living a high flying life i wish i was. On the other hand i am not the young, care free, fun and "naive" girl. The truth is 24 isnt that old. If you think about it, it isn't old at all. So why is it i feel as if i should not go crazy and wild and just absolutely reckless but at the same time i don't feel as if i am all that there yet to be that well thought out, settled and straight minded adult. To tell you the truth i am scared out of my wits that i am missing out on the best time of my life to just freaking be reckless and go with my heart. I alr have the destination i just dont have the fuel. I am trying so hard to break out of this shell which is holding me back from what i think i wish to do. Just let me be childish for a little while and not need to think so hard about the consequences like i always do. So as much as i was given two wishes today blowing candles to two cakes, what I really wish is that for at least the remainder of the year that i am able to throw caution in the wind and just live life. And also meet that special someone. Yes i admit i am getting desperate. But fuck it anyways. Like i say throw caution into the wind and live life to the fullest. I am gonna go get what i want. Or at least practice trying to get what i want until i manage to get it right.