I am sitting here at home on the eve of merdeka just as any other day. The 50th year that Malaysia achieved independence. The campaigns have been going on forever to remind us of how Malaysia has reached half a century of independence. Not that it has actually made a very deep impression but more of something that showed up stayed and got pushed and faded into the background or rather my background like a humming refrigerator only for me to notice its presence when i do care to observe more carefully. Not sure if the rest feels the same. Strangely enough, the merdeka of any other years before these seemed more significant and stood out more than this yr. Perhaps too much hoo ha made me feel tired of it before it even arrived.

Throughout the whole "50 years of merdeka" campaign, various newspaper ran some sort of columns asking people what does 50 years of merdeka mean to them. I had only managed to skim through one or two of these articles really and i guess some of them are pretty much close to textbook answers albeit personal ones while some did give generally acceptable criticism. But those only scratches the surface of what the everyday people of Malaysia thinks. I think in real life there would be an earful that people have to say of what they think about 50 years of merdeka for Malaysia. And not all of them will be something good. 50 years is indeed a long way to have traveled for a country and even more for its people which are so diverse. And there has been battle scars to show for that. Although what we have now might not be ultimately something which can be called perfect or perhaps even close to perfect, but the fact is there are countries which are worst. There could be countries which are better of course but they aren't perfect either. What irks me the most is when people say with somewhat of an arrogance how great these other places are before they even live there. Don't get me wrong, i am not a very patriotic person either, but at least if you have to, do the comparison when you have already been staying there for a while instead of comparing with some imaginary "perfect" world. That is not even half the problem. But the fact is this type of mentality as well as a general dissatisfaction is pretty prevalent. And the cause for this as with many problems is the lack of proper and thorough communication. So many issues which are deemed too sensitive to discuss. And perhaps it isn't untrue, there are still people which mentality aren't able to accept this kind of openess in discussion. But i don't think ultimately sweeping the issues under the carpet is going to solve things. Just like an over protective parent prove to do more harm to the child. So perhaps at the half way point to a century of independence is an apt time to think of a way to gently but surely push these children on their way to a growth that will bring with it maturity and openess of discussion to solve a much deeper problem.

So what does 50 years of merdeka mean really when there are still so much deep seated sentiments or lack thereof still unsolved. In terms of independence from external forces, these 50 years is worth celebrating as we stand as a free nation, a country which we call our own. But in terms of the people and mentality, much is left to be done. Perhaps another 50 yrs down the road there can be a better answer

The countdown begins. 12 days before i officially launch my lazy ass to seriously look for a real job. It has finally sink in that my travel plans are history and i have now redirected my heart into a correct general direction of looking for a serious job. I still dont really have a very good idea what kind of position i would like to go for. And talking to seng kiat hasnt done much to boost my confidence. I just hope it doesnt take me 6 months to look for a job touch wood. Even as i am a believer that good things comes in due time i dont think i want to find out what 6 mths will do my confidence and i am not getting any younger. I think i am slightly dying to start on my career and see how far i can go. And at the same time once i start my career, it also means i can start pursuing my future plans which involves my other loves.

Now back to looking for the current job, I wonder how high the odds are stacked against me. I guess i would only find out when i go for my very first interview. Provided i get called for one (ok i am over exaggerating) . That and i wonder if i should employ the help of job agencies. After all the magazines says that this is one way of getting your resumes on the HR tables as oppose to DIY mailing applications. But somehow i dont seem to have too great an impression of job agencies i don't know why. But working in the admin side for that few weeks did give me some insight to how job agencies does play a part in getting your resumes seen. Only problem is whether it is the company that you desire. The whole mechanics of employment seeking can be considered quite an art really.

Maybe it sounds like i am worrying too much. So perhaps i should employ both nike's and adidas' Just do it and Impossible is nothing phrase because deep down under all those uncertainties is what i feel.

last weekend i finally got myself out of my house to go work. I realized that if not for work i will somehow be stagnated at home and be unproductive and aimless. So its a good thing and an extremely refreshing change to have an aim when you wake up, which is to go to work. And amazingly for that three days i did not once miss my computer one bit. Which frighteningly enough is the case of late. It is just an unknowing addiction that creeps up on me when i let it. And is quite similar to being a tv addict which i once was. I am no longer a tv addict, and i barely turn on the tv or have a long list of must watch shows. Now the only show which i closely follow is the ghost whisperer and perhaps criminal minds which these past weeks i have given up due to certain circumstances.

This might sound like an improvement perhaps but the half truth behind this is my addiction has shifted over to the internet with youtube being able to offer the stuffs that i am able to choose to watch when and as much as i would like. The other half of my addiction on the computer is partly due to trying to get more temp jobs to at least support me for the time being, but which in turn keeps me on doing other stuffs while waiting for more job updates. A vicious cycle i tell you. Its kinda a lose lose situation, and absolutely, sickeningly soul sucking. I need to find some way to get away. Some one hand me another 3 days job maybe. And at least it means i have more money to spend :P and get myself away from the computer. Now that is wat i call a win win situation.

You know what. My concentration is an absolute mess. I was staring at this page of chinese words and even as i might be able to make out most of the words some how i find it so troublesome to do so. But at the same time i really wish i could continue learning to recognize them. And i was also suppose to learn Japanese and at the same time do research for my journal paper. Some one tell me how to concentrate. I want to learn alot of thing but my concentration is my absolute down fall.

So anyways, rant aside today i got myself out of the house to attend a briefing for this ushering job which i applied for online and got. Pays 50 for 3 hrs of work. Now doesn't that sounds good. I know it sounds risky being online and all but i dunno, sometimes i think we need to take calculated risk. Turns out for the good i would say. It is a legitimate event company and perhaps meaning more future jobs? Not that i plan or hope to need to work long in events as good as the pay might seem to be. But as far as i am concerned i will probably start looking for jobs after the graduation ceremony. ( Some sort of time frame that i set for me to bum till) But at the mean time, it does not mean that i will get a job or even find one that i like tat quickly so side income is good. So there at least my dry spell kinda lifted a little, even if the money is only a trickle. I am probably fortunate i still live under my parent's roof. I am thinking however though will there be a day when i decide to move out, and not because i am getting married. When i was younger i actually anticipated it, but then things changes, conditions changes and many different thoughts ran through my mind about this. Not something that any one person other than myself will ever understand. Those monsters in my closet. Part of me still yearns to while part of me is afraid. I hope that i will manage to find an answer to my problem very soon. Sometimes i wish to be able to live a little more carefree and leave those millions of considerations behind. Pssst... let u in on a secret, one of those is regarding family. You know there was one person which when i heard went off to singapore for work caught me slightly by surprised. (oon ee would know who i am talking about) But then again i could absolutely understand how that happened and perhaps i do not know the whole story behind it but i can imagine what might have conspired. And i salute her. Looks like i havent really started a new chapter of my life after all. I am still hovering on the ending page of my previous chapter.

Its wierd how almost 10 days have passed since my last post. Got so fast meh. Doesnt feel like that also. Make me feel like wo de ren sheng hen wu liao oh(like my life so meaningless) . Lately i have been totally watching all those taiwanese shows which i did not managed to when i was stressing over assignments so thats why suddenly my personal narration also turn into mandarin base liao. But i think i am more "chinese" than i let myself believe sometimes. Not that it is a bad thing really, just that i dont really put myself into a category and when it is brought up it doesnt register.

Anyways, this few weeks i have been living a life which i couldnt imagine, and not in a good way. Arghh i hate to admit that i have been absolutely bumming wei. Just fallen into this dark hole of bummingness. And i am disgusted that i can't even get myself to wake up early enough to go jog in the field. Trust me, this feeling is absolutely scary, as if there isnt a meaning to life, no aim, no goals. Is this how depression feels like? But then i have decided to take up something which should at least give me some purpose although i am not so sure if i really want to do it. I am writing a paper which is partially an extension of my thesis. As if it is some kind of self confirmation. And apparently i will have to give a talk in a conference if my paper gets published. *sweat* I have two minds over this and i have some problems getting started. So i think sorting my thoughts through words is a good therapy and acts as a spark plug in getting things started. OK feeling more motivated liao. Off to do a little research. Gambatte.

You know what is the greatest thing about my house. You have got to love it when everytime either summit or pyramid decides to have a fireworks show that i can sit at my study room and stare out the window and admire it. I've got to admit that i dont get to see the whole thing when pyramid does it as summit covers half of it. But still it is so beautiful.

Just now for some reason, pyramid did some fire works. While watching it, i just can't help but let the thought cross my mind that i wish i had some one special to share the moment with. Its been too long. Sigh emo again. But then again it has also been sometime since i thought of this. Now why won't "you" quickly appear. I have waited long enough....

Blah.... life goes on. Now back to reality.

You know i have always wondered that as i grow older, will i be as crazy about teen idols aka leng chais in drama series. And i can't imagine being 40+ and still drooling over some 20+ guys. As it is now that i am 20+ and some of these guys might only be 17 or 18 with high school girls going ga ga over them. I havent been paying much attention to the boy band scene for a while. I know there was farenheit and dong ban shin ki and i dunno what else. But in my mind this teeny boopers were probably even younger than my brother. Imagine how horrified for a moment i was when i thought i found one of the farenheit members hot. And worst still, thinking it was Wuzun, which maybe one or two of my friend's younger sister that hasnt even taken pmr is having the hots for.

Sweat..... Well turns out its not Wu zun, which i previously thought and still think looks like a pretty boy. But surprisingly he is much older than i thought he was. I was watching Kang Xi Lai Le and they were interviewing farenheit, but the attention was given mostly to this one guy which is why i thought he was wu zun coz they asked him to lift heavy stuffs. Since Wu zun was suppose to be this body builder guy and pretty hot at the moment. I dunno, like i say i havent been keeping up to date. Turns out it was Jiro.





















Yeah maybe he also has that pretty boy look. But in Kang Xi he looks so hot with that stripped shirt/ suspenders while lifting ppl. I think he looks best with a suit though. But my pet peeve after going through some of their photos is that. Why why why have to act cute..... sweat. Thats why i think they are way younger when they are not. Oh well.

p.s. : i just realized the one thing that i find so attractive about him. His lips. Guess i am a lips
person. Not a butt person but a lips person.


OK now i am feeling depressed that i can't go to taiwan sob sob. Sigh..... I wanna go taiwan. Not to meet him but just i want to go taiwan !!!